As You Were
by GlitterBug19
Summary: Ryo and Dee meet after eleven years apart. DEATH FIC


**As You Were**

I do not own these characters all I own are the circumstances ;)

The matrix of city lights tangled into a never-ending shapeless blob through the window screen of the car.

Ryo barley noticed the never ending luminous trail. His eyes stayed focus on the road in front he watched as line after white line was swallowed up by the bonnet of the car. He let his eyes drift from the road. A neon red sign caught his attention. _The Leather Egg_. The lurid colour of the sign of the sign was what caught his attention but that absolute bizarreness of the name almost made him laugh out loud.

Curious and in dire need of something that would take his mind of his heartache. Ryo made a sharp left turn where the scarlet sign beckoned him to go. Doing this he thanked the heavens that there was no disgruntled driver behind him. Hell he hadn't even indicated, great thing for a cop!

Claiming a space in the small parking lot, he examined the building before stepping out of the car. A bar! As ashamed as he was to admit even to himself, he could use a stiff drink. Oh yes, he would drink until the sound of his now ex-wife's left his head. He would just have to get a taxi to the nearest hotel. Despite all the assurances he had made to his lawyer he wouldn't be staying in the city he succumb to the fact that the great city of New York had Ryo MacLean under its spell again.

Locking the car he made a bee line for the door which had yet another welcoming red sign this time saying 'Welcome home'. Ryo chuckled. This place hadn't been his home for near 11 years.

The bar wasn't crowded. Ryo sighed in relief. I f there was one thing he had always hated it was a crowded bar.

It was a pleasant little place by all accounts. Cosy, certainly didn't look like a place that would be called 'The Leather Egg'. It was wood panelled with a mahogany bar with matching tables, on each of the little round tables there was a blue and white checked cloth and a little floating candle in a blue glass dish.

There was an vintage juke box in the corner. Playing…'Hurt' by Johnny Cash. Ryo smiled there was one person he knew, had known, who played Johnny Cash all the time.

Ryo stopped his mind from wondering by heading straight for the bar and ordering a bourbon on the rocks. While waiting for his drink he had time to examine the other patrons. A young couple sat at one of the tables. Clearly well past their first date. They held hands over the floating candle, their faces illuminated beautifully.

At an other table sat two men. Studying their movements and comfortable yet intimate gestures Ryo reasoned that they to were a couple. Making eye contact with one the man smiled at Ryo almost knowingly. Ryo's eyes widened and he turned.

At the other end of the bar an older man flirted shamelessly with the pretty young barmaid. This was what was clearly holding up Ryo's drink. The woman was trying to politely spur the mans advances but she clearly wouldn't be going anywhere for a while.

"Oi! Lola sweetheart come on no time for chatting people want their drinks"

That voice. It couldn't be. It just…couldn't. The voice that had a definite New York hood slang but had a certain elegance that made it sexy.

Begrudgingly Ryo turned to source of that voice. It wasn't. It was a man around his age. With messy yet stylish looking hair, Jet black, without a hint of grey. He was reasonably short for a man, but he had the quiet confidence that could carry it off. He also appeared to walk with cane.

He limped towards the bar clearly to rescue the bar maid. On his way over he nodded at the gay couple and gave a sly wink to the young woman with her boyfriend. She giggled.

Ryo watched as the man came closer. Then he saw…those eyes. It was him. It had to be. No one else could have those eyes, such intense green.

Ryo's breath caught his chest. He turned hastily towards the bar. He didn't want to be spotted. He couldn't face him, not now, not after…everything.

With his head bent low, his forward almost touching the mahogany of the counter. He wondered how he could possibly slip out. From under his light brown bangs he saw _him_ move behind the bar and send Lola away the girl looked grateful. She slipped away and exited the bar through the same door _he_ had entered.

Shit thought Ryo. Don't tell me he's serving. The answer to his question landed in front of him in a bourbon form. Ryo reluctantly followed the hand that had handed it to him. Up the arm past the wide chest and up the slender neck and then he was looking into this face. The face of Dee Laytner. His ex-partner, ex-best friend and ex-lover.

"There you are mate; sorry she was so long with it. Y'know what men like that are like" Dee smiled. Ryo could only stare. He didn't recognise him. Dee did not recognise him. Ryo was rather saddened after everything they had been through together Dee didn't recognise him. Wasn't that good? Did he really want to talk to Dee again? Although it was something he had contemplated for many years. Too many years.

"Dee?" the word was out of his mouth before he could stop it. Dee looked up from where he was wiping down the bar.

"Ryo?" his hand stopped wiping "y'know I thought it was you. I did. But I told myself I was being stupid what would you be doing back in the old NYC".

Dee's slightly creased face stretched into a smile. "Oh Jesus Ryo! How have you been?"

How had he been? How had he been! He was getting divorced and working in a job he loathed because there was nothing to do except write up the odd parking ticket. He couldn't tell that to Dee. He couldn't. Why he wasn't sure but he just couldn't.

"I'm great yeah" Ryo lied trying to keep the bitterness out of his voice and avoiding Dee's penetrating gaze.

"Heard you got married" Ryo wasn't sure if he'd imagined it but he thought he saw Dee's smile falter.

"Yeah. Her names Sophia" Ryo deliberately injected some cheer into his voice "We have two kids" Ryo reached into his back pocket for his wallet. Pulling out the leather bound thing he opened to reveal the encased pictures.

"This is Emily and Michael" he pointed to each smiling kid as he said there name even though it was unnecessarily. "And in the middle that's Bikky of course" Bikky stood awkwardly between his brother and sister. In his uniform. Dee studied the picture closely his nose almost touching the wallet. "He looks…older. How is he?"

"Great" that word again "he's a marine now"

"Wow a Bikky a marine" he paused "haven't you got a picture of your wife?"

"Yeah should have" he rummaged in his wallet until he finally found a somewhat crumpled picture of Sophia and handed it to Dee. Dee studied the picture but not as closely as the one of his kids.

"She's a babe" he finally commented "You're a lucky guy"

"I know" Ryo breathed "What happened with you? Why are you here? What's…?"

Dee laughed. "I know this is a bit surreal" Dee ran his hand through his hair making it change colour in the dim light of the bar. "Where do I start? Well I got shot" he patted his leg "Routine drug bust. One of the guys wouldn't come along quietly pulled out a gun bam!" he mad a gun motion with his fingers towards his leg.

"I'm sorry" Ryo said. It was the only honest thing he had said all night.

"Nah, I mean don't get me wrong it messed me up for a while had to quit the force. I was real depressed moved in with JJ"

"JJ?!" Ryo spluttered

"Yeah hard to believe eh? No he took good care of me. He's such a good friend. Helped me through everything"

Ryo so desperately wanted to ask if there was or had been anything more than friendship but he didn't feel it was appropriate.

"Yeah JJ really helped me and didn't ask for _anything_ in return"

Ryo breathed an inward sigh of relief.

"He got me back on my feet. Metaphorically speaking of course. Introduced me to Brian. Brian is a retired cop too. He bought this place along with several others, he needed someone to manage it and name it"

"The Leather Egg?" Ryo laughed

"Yeah that was me. I wanted something that grabbed people's attention. We're up against three strip clubs on this block y'know"

Ryo laughed again he had forgotten how Dee could make him laugh.

"Yeah so business is booming we have a few regulars" he nodded in the direction of the gay couple "and the guys are always in here so…"

"Guys…" Ryo's ears suddenly perked up.

"Yeah JJ, Drake, Marty everyone"

Ryo felt a lump in his throat. He missed his old friends he hadn't kept in touch. He knew if he kept in touch with them he'd have too with Dee too. And that would be just too painful.

"I thought you still talked to Diana?"

"Yeah kind of…well sometimes" truth was there had been one Christmas card about three years ago.

"So…." Dee said wiping the same spot on the counter over and over again.

"Are you seeing anyone?" Ryo asked quickly. He didn't whether it was inappropriate or not to ask but he had to know. But he wasn't sure which answer would be worse.

"Not at the moment no" Dee started running the cloth through his hands "I was seeing this Russian girl, Lena, but I got some news and she didn't deal, so she's back in Moscow"

"I'm sorry"

Dee smirked "why?"

"I don't know"

"Listen Ryo" Dee leaned across the bar face to face with Ryo. He was so close. Ryo could actually smell him. The mix of tobacco and lime cologne along with something else. Something that smelt spicy but was still pleasant and comforting something that Ryo guessed was just Dee. Ryo could hear is own heartbeat pounding in his head, he prayed Dee couldn't hear it to.

"My shifts just finished but would you care to come back to mine and have a coffee or maybe a drink? For old times sake?"

Old times sake? The words rang in Ryo's setting off a cavalcade of emotions. What 'old times' was he talking about exactly? Working as partners in the station? Occasionally kissing in assortment of different locations? Fucking each other? Or the eventual love that grew?

Ryo closed his eyes. He couldn't deal with this not today, not now. It was just too much. Here he was completely and feeling it with the only person that had awakened a deep rooted passion that had taken so long to extinguish. Dee Laytner you will not just waltz into my life again and turn it upside down. Not again. There's too much at stake this time. My children. The respect of my family and loved ones.

"I'm sorry Dee I can't tonight" _Never _"I shouldn't even be in the city…really"

Dee looked saddened but nodded.

"I understand" Dee rung out the cloth and began to unfasten the apron around his waist "Really I do. Its just there's a lot I need to talk to you about…"

"Dee" Ryo interrupted "I can't do this. I'm sorry. Please can we just leave this? I'm glad you're happy and I hope you continue to be and I would hope you wish the same of me..."

"Of course!"

"But I think we should just leave everything in the past. Remember each other as we were. At least that's how I want you to remember me" not as this perpetual coward who stands today.

"Walk me to my car?" tried to ask light-heartedly but it came out as more of a plead. Ryo nodded.

H stood by the bar waiting as Dee got his coat and did some last minute things whatever they were. Looking around the bar Ryo noticed that the gay couple had left and the other couple were now locked in a passionate battle of lips.

"Ready?" Dee asked hobbling out from behind the bar. Ryo almost burst out laughing; Dee was actually wearing the same weather beaten black leather jacket he'd had since their force days.

"I thought I told you to give that thing to a museum" Ryo exclaimed. Dee gave a hearty laugh and almost threw his arm around Ryo's suede clad shoulders but thought better of it and just stretched.

Outside the air had a definite chill bite to it. The city lights glowed all around them and the far off sounds of sirens accompanied by the whisper of music from the strip club close by.

Ryo and Dee turned to look at each other. Ryo stuck his frozen hands in his pockets and finally managed to look Dee straight in the eye. Although lost in the magical pools of emerald Ryo managed to ask "what is it Dee?"

Dee sighed and leant against a car bonnet that Ryo could only assume was his. "It's just so I don't go completely crazy. Why did you leave without telling me? You put in a transfer; you even bought a fucking apartment on Long Island before I even knew you were going. Why didn't you consult me or at the very least warn me"

"Because I knew you would talk me out of leaving"

"Not if that was what you wanted!"

"Well it wasn't Dee!" Ryo's voice cracked he couldn't do this anymore. He had been hiding for so long it was difficult being found again. It was more than that it was fucking brutal. "You…I...We had something that I just couldn't deal with telling my family about us was never an option for me nor was being publicly together and I knew you would never accept that. I didn't want to be gay Dee I didn't"

"I didn't realise it was a choice"

"Well I made it one. I'm sorry if I hurt you I truly am and you would have every right to hate me"

"I never hated you Ryo. Not now and not then. I just wish you didn't hate yourself" Dee leant off the car bonnet and fished his keys out his pocket and unlocked the car.

He turned and faced Ryo once more "You did hurt me. Hell you nearly killed me when you left. I just wish you'd called or wrote a letter or sent a fucking postcard anything but you didn't"

"I'm sorry" tears now rolled freely down Ryo's cheeks.

"Don't be. Your right we should just leave it in the past. A lot has happened to me. But I won't tell you because I don't want to complicate your life further. I only ask one thing"

"Anything" Ryo said taken one hand out of his pocket and wiping the crystalline tears away shamelessly.

"Can you give me where Bikky is stationed? I want to contact him and explain why I disappeared from his life; he deserves that much at least"

"Of course".

The next two minutes were spent with Ryo writing the information on the back of a receipt that was found in Dee's car.

Finally it was time to say goodbye. At least they would get that much this time.

"Goodbye Dee Laytner. I never forgot you. And I never will." And he meant it. No matter where he was or how old and grey he would never forget those haunting green eyes. And he would remember everything that was and what could have been.

"Ditto" Dee smirked in his typical Dee-way "Don't hate me for saying this but part of me will always love you" with that he turned and got in his car.

The engine spurred into life. And Ryo watched as Dee pulled out of the small car park and out of his life. When Dee's headlights finally faded into oblivion Ryo felt safe enough to mutter "I love you too".

---------------

It had been four months since Ryo had been left standing in a frozen car park alone and in tears.

Things had got a little better. He now had his own spacious (well more spacious than anything you'd get in the city for that price) apartment and he had joint custody of his kids. So things were looking up.

Ryo walked into his kitchen sorting through his mail. He had the morning off for once and was making the most of it. It was already gone ten and he was still in his bathrobe and matching slippers.

He sat at the table and flipped through the rather large pile and until he found what he was looking for. A letter from Bikky! All the way from Zimbabwe where he was now stationed. He hadn't heard from Bikky in a while but he put that down to the distance.

Tearing open the scrawled letter he began to read:

_Dear Ryo,_

_I don't think it matters much now but I received this letter from Dee about three months ago and I think you should read it. _

_You probably don't know but Dee died. JJ called me last week I tried to call but I couldn't reach you. The letter will explain everything._

_Bikky_

_P.S_

_I would like the letter back please_

Ryo quickly pulled out the other letter and immediately recognised Dee's hand writing.

_Dear Bikky_

_I would like to start by apologising to you with all my heart (I know that's lame but its true)._

_I Just wanted you to know that I had no clue that you were leaving if I had I would have tried to talk to you and find some way to keep in touch or at least have said goodbye. I am also deeply sorry that I never tried to contact you but I wasn't sure why you had left and was scared incase it was me. _

_But I didn't write this letter to fill it with too late apologies and explanations. I just want to know that you're happy and I also want you to know how proud I was to hear you were a marine! But then again I always was proud of you even if I never said._

_I wish there was some way we could rebuild a new relationship, I'd love that more than anything but I'm afraid I don't have much time. You see I have cancer. It's a rare bone type I won't bore you with the medical gargle. All I will say is they found it when I was going in for an operation on my injured leg (I was shot on a job no biggie!). The cancer was too advanced to really do anything. I probably only have a few months left._

_Anyway Bik's I love you and I always have and wherever you are wherever you go remember that. Please. You deserve a happy and fulfilled life and I'll be watching over you. Always._

_All my heart, _

_Dee_

_P.S_

_Please do not tell your dad I do not want to screw up his life anymore than I already have._

Ryo flattened the letter and laid it carefully on the table. Bikky would want to keep it pristine.

Slowly he rose from the table and walked across the kitchen towards the sink. Then violently vomited into it. Sluicing the pristine whiteness with last night's dinner and his own tears.

---------------

A year later Ryo approached Dee's grave. He hadn't gone to the funeral. He hadn't been invited and even if he had been he wouldn't have gone. A selfish insecure bastard no matter what, he couldn't all those faces again there judgement and worst of all their pity it was too much.

He swore he'd never come here even when he found out from JJ where exactly Dee was buried. He didn't want to see Dee like this, stuck in a box in the ground. He wanted to remember him as the charismatic cop who once kissed him in a public park with a broken arm.

He stood in front of the grave. It was a simple square grey stone with:

_Dee Laytner_

_1971 – 2011_

_Now with God._

It did not suit Dee at all. He would have wanted something catchy like 'Don't wait up'. He laid the single red rose he brought next to the lowly slightly wilting wreath accompanied by an oversized card filled with childlike handwriting. Ryo reasoned this was from the orphans.

A slight breeze blow rustling Ryo's hair effectively putting it out of place.

"Will we ever get to say goodbye properly? You always knew what I wanted Dee. How did you do that? You knew I wouldn't want to hear about your illness because it would change everything. And make me regret."

He sighed.

"But I always did regret. Ever since I left I missed you. More than I'd ever missed anyone in my life. Every day there was like a giant hole inside and it wouldn't go away. It's not like that now though. I know you're in a good place watching over everyone. Funny isn't it? I never believed in the afterlife until I met you. Goodbye Dee."

With that he walked away. Maybe he thought maybe one day I'll deserve to see him again. Ryo smiled a true smile and thought, yeah one day.

The End

Hope that wasn't too depressing! It went a completely different way than I thought it was going too. I never thought Dee would die but it kind of fitted.

Just a few notes:

Leather Egg: is a weird name I know it's the name of my friend's boyfriend's band

The dates on the grave: are completely fabricated hopes you don't mind!


End file.
